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Comments on this blog – moderated from now on #WordPress

Just letting you all know that I’m going to be moderating comments a bit more in future. That is: comments won’t appear on the blog until I approve them. A bit too much spam has been getting through, recently. Also, the quality of the comments here hasn’t been so good that it will be much of a loss. However, with a few days delay, comments that are worth reading WILL still show up for you all to enjoy.

I’m also closing posts to comments a month after the original post date.

Anyhow, this will hopefully mean that those of you who subscribe to comments won’t have to see the inane stuff people write in hopes for a link.

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Essays on Karma, for Kindle, by Katinka Hesselink

Free (for now) Essays on Karma, for Kindle

Both an introduction, a kind of ‘Karma for dummies’, and a look at the philosophical questions that the doctrine of karma calls up. You will learn to question what you have always thought about karma as well as deepen your understanding of the Indian and Buddhist background of this teaching central to much of Asian philosophy. [click to continue…]

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2014 – what a year! post image

Old design

2014 – what a year!

What do you know, just when I have the energy to tell you all that I am too busy to blog – I post one thing after another. So this is my habitual end-of-year blogpost. This was a busy year for me. I bought a house and moved into it, I lost my grandmother, I started on the path towards becoming a mindfulness teacher, I went to Hamburg to see HH the Dalai Lama, I am signing up for finally finishing my bachelor religion studies and the main site I do business on has folded.

Are you keeping up? Probably not. I know I have a hard time keeping up myself, sometimes. Thankfully the business part of my life is going better than expected – and just in time for Christmas too. That gives me some room to breath and finish that bachelor degree before the mindfulness training starts I set my heart on. With a few clients added in, I will be able to manage just fine.

So – what about this blog? Well – here are my top spiritual blogposts of all time.

  1. 10 simple mindfulness exercises
  2. On how to stay celibate
  3. Best Buddhist Blogs
  4. Karma in the Bhagavad Gita
  5. My disillusionment with Jiddu Krishnamurti
  6. Shamanism, Buddhism, and Ayahuasca – hallucinogen and spirituality (guest post)
  7. Did Buddhism win the best Religion of the world award?
  8. Anatma, no Soul, Buddha Nature, Vedantins vs Buddhism
  9. Are humans meant to be vegetarian?
  10. The five stages of the soul transformation process: Michael Mirdad

Due to the vagaries of Google, they are all several years old. My three best performing blogposts for 2014 were:

  1. Female vs Male Spirituality
  2. How to be a bad girl – or a strong woman
  3. How to bring more awareness in your daily life

On my related spiritual book reviews blog the following blogposts were most popular:

  1. Essential Sufism, edited by James Fadiman and Robert Frager
  2. Best Sufi books, books on Sufism
  3. Mindfulness for Dummies review
  4. Dakini Power: Twelve Extraordinary Women Shaping the Transmission of Tibetan Buddhism in the West
  5. Goddesses of the celestial gallery, Romio Shrestha
  6. The View From Within: First Person Approaches To The Study Of Consciousness
  7. Man The Measure Of All Things
  8. Best books on Buddhism, according to my readers
  9. Guided meditations on the Stages of the Path, Thubten Chodron
  10. The Secret Doctrine Commentaries: the Unpublished 1889 Instructions

As you probably noticed, I did a new design for this blog. I was never quite satisfied with the previous design. This one is more in balance, I think.

And before I forget: Happy Holidays everybody!

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Bodhicitta and Racism – meditating on equanimity

Bodhicitta is the mind of enlightenment. It not merely the wish to help all sentient beings attain enlightenment, it is the firm decision to take every single one of them to that state.

This is obviously as inclusive as it gets. EVERYBODY is included in bodhicitta and the corresponding Bodhisattva vow. And the bodhisattva vow is taken by every practicing Mahayana Buddhist.

Buddhists are humans and therefore generally haven’t been able to integrate Bodhicitta in their lives, so the Tibetan Buddhist tradition advises starting with meditating on equanimity.

Equanimity is the start to Bodhicitta, and it doesn’t require any sort of faith, so it is a great practice for anybody who wants to face up to racism or prejudice in their own mind.

Meditating on equanimity starts with visualizing a friend, a stranger and an enemy. Observe the difference in how you feel about them. In my morning meditations, I often settle for visualizing someone who has recently hurt or offended me. If I can feel friendly towards them, I’m off to a good start of the day.

The aim of this practice is not indifference, but equal good will towards all three.

Racism has been much in the news lately. In the Netherlands we have been faced, again, with the consequences of the UN advice to change our pre-Christmas Sinterklaas-celebrations. The Dutch are used to feeling that they aren’t racist. This is an irrational feeling, as study after study shows that people of color or a non-default heritage have a harder time getting interviewed for jobs – let alone getting them.

I have also heard stories of office culture where calling people of Indonesian descent ‘peanut’ is accepted as normal. This is done without any sense that it might be derogatory. I hope, for an English language audience, that it is obvious that this sort of thing is not in fact innocent.

As I understand it, psychologically, racism centers on two things: prejudice and tribal thinking. [click to continue…]

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Meditation and self-knowledge

I sometimes wonder what my life would have looked like if I had started meditating at 25, because that is roughly the age that I made my first attempt. At that point it was not too hard for me to follow the instructions in a meditation-booklet and so I concluded that I did not need to meditate.

Ah well. In hindsight that is one of the disadvantages of trying to practice without guidance.

We will never know how my life would have been different.

I do know however, that I have learned a lot since I did start meditating regularly a few years ago.

  • I handle stress better.
  • I know how to stop myself from dwelling on dreams too much.
  • I waste less energy fighting myself and the situation as it is.
  • I am better able to laugh at my own illusions and other people’s little quirks.

In other words: meditation has helped me become more aware of my own emotions and thoughts, so that I don’t get lost in my own stories as much.

That is very useful.

Does that mean that meditation is the only road to self-knowledge? Of course not. Studying psychology, keeping a diary, analysing dreams, going into therapy, facing fears, trying out things you have always avoided – there are all kinds of ways to develop self-knowledge.

I am convinced that it is also the other way around: it helps, when starting to meditate, to already have a basic level of self-knowledge. If you have never looked inward, trying for the first time to face yourself for an hour at a time may be too much. Even a simple yoga-class can be too confronting.

Is it possible to meditate too much? Perhaps – one way to grow in self-knowledge is to deal with the way you respond to people. That is a route that full-time meditation closes off. There are stories of yogi’s who have meditated on patience for years and yet lose it the first time someone insults them after they come out of meditation.

Self-knowledge is not, any more than inner peace, an on-off-button. Meditation can help, but it is not a universal panacea.

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The karma of institutions, corporations and organisations

Did you ever think that organisations, corporations and institutions have a life of their own?

David Loy was in Amsterdam yesterday to talk to a university students and (mostly Zen) Buddhists about his book: Money, Sex, War, Karma: Notes for a Buddhist Revolution.

In Buddhism the main cause of human problems are the three poisons. They are: Greed (or attachment), Ill Will (anger, aversion) and Ignorance. On a personal level meditation is seen as the solution. However, what about social injustice? Can meditation fix that?

What Loy proposed was this: social institutions (organisations, corporations) have their own motivations and people are trapped in them. For instance – what if the CEO of Shell had an epiphany: ‘we’re pumping CO2 into the atmosphere and ruining our planet. We have to change Shell to make sure we don’t contribute to this problem’. It is not hard to think that this leads to a problem – or rather, his speedy replacement.

Because the three poisons are institutionalized in corporations, institutions and organisations. Individuals can’t change the direction of those institutions any more than they can walk to the moon. Greed is easy to see: our whole economy is built on the premise that growth is necessary and good. Never mind that this is physically impossible. Armies and politics institutionalize Ill Will. When newspapers don’t report truthfully, they institutionalize Ignorance. When schools have to teach Biblical myth as scientific truth, they institutionalize ignorance.

David Loy calls for a revolution: let’s not use our meditative practice merely to tackle our own three poisons, but let us try to also tackle the three poisons as manifest in social structures. Let us not merely help people in need – however necessary – but also tackle the reasons they got in trouble in the first place. Because one of the things we have learned in the West is that institutions can be changed. That is the basis of our democracy. They are subject to change, they can be managed – however, it does take collective effort.

If the Buddha was alive today, would he teach only meditation? Or would he, as David Loy suggests, also try to tackle the social structures that cause so many of our problems?

I think he has a point. Social structures can be changed. The question that he did not answer was in the room after his talk finished: HOW? I think it starts with making sure that – to the extent that it is possible – we use our own wisdom to support those institutions that we can really get behind and create new ones that do reflect our current insights. Sometimes we may even be able to change existing organisations, but I think that is rare.

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A Dummy’s Guide to Spiritual Hitchhiking

A Dummy’s Guide to Spiritual Hitchhiking

I was challenged to make this article (*) ‘A dummies guide to spiritual hitchhiking’. Although I write a lot about spirituality online, I have never hitchhiked a day in my life. My brother on the other hand hitchhiked all the way from Amsterdam to Pakistan, and back. AND he met sufis and other spiritual folk on the way. The route goes mostly through Muslim country.

As a former European scout, I do have experience hiking, sleeping out in the rain (without a tent even – and no, we weren’t too cold) and a bit of survival training.

As a result this page contains 8 tips on how to survive hitchhiking, how to get the most out of it spiritually and some reading tips on the topic.

1) Safety tips for Hitchhiking (#)

  1. Wear well visible clothes, stand at a safe spot, be careful while walking on the road.
  2. If you doubt about the ride offered, turn it down.
  3. If it starts raining, standing under a tree is an option.
  4. You can also check if the doors open from the inside by pretending not to have closed the door properly.
  5. Note the vehicle’s registration number, or at least the make, model, and colour, etc. You could then SMS this to a friend. You can pretend calling your mum and saying car type, color and licence number aloud. This makes driver believe he is under surveillance.
  6. Hitchhike with someone you know. On hitchhike forums (such as at Hospitality Club, Jayride or DigiHitch) you can find other hitchhikers.
  7. Hitchhiking at night is more dangerous than at daytime.
  8. It’s probably safest to not go with more than one guy in the car.
  9. It’s better to sit in the front of the vehicle.
  10. It is a good idea to get yourself some pepper spray, just in case. But it can be illegal to carry in some parts of the world so be aware.
  11. Keep your backpack close to you (i.e. on your lap), so you can grab it if you need to get out quickly.
  12. Wear your most valuable stuff on your body: passport, wallet, money, mobile phone. This way you will keep these items in case you should abandon your bag.
  13. If there are other houses or people in sight, you can wave to them or pretend to say goodbye to a friend. The driver will think that somebody has seen you getting into their car.
  14. If getting in a truck or car driving long-distance, maybe to where you want to go, including sleeping in the truck with the driver. Never tell yes to go all way from the beginning. Say you are going to visit a friend in a city on the way and then when you get a feeling of safety with the driver tell him that you will visit your friend some other time and go all the way now.
  15. Aim to leave the vehicle at a safe spot.
  16. Always trust your instincts.
  17. Think positive and you will attract positive. Do nothing of this and you might be safer.
  18. Try to be good conversation for the driver

Remember, just because you’re in this for spiritual growth, doesn’t mean you should not take care of yourself. Hitchhiking is a great way to experience the positive in people, but it’s also a great way to experience the risks of life first hand. Balance both when traveling.

My brother once got stuck on a mountain with a sprained ankle. Lucky my parents didn’t find out about that till he was safe home…

Books about hitchhiking as a spiritual endeavor

On the Road: The Original Scroll, Jack Kerouac
The original to ‘On the Road’, the book that put Karoac on the map as an author and was the first celebration of hitchhiking as a quest.
The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac
Hitchhiking as a spiritual quest to Buddhism.
Hitchhiking Grandmother: The Adventure and Spiritual Journey of a North West Woman Who Hitchhiked Across America and Europe After 50

2) Be poor: cloths

It’s pretty clear that if you’re going to hitchhike, you need to make the risks as low as possible. That means, and I’m going to do this when I go to India next year too (though there will be no hitchhiking involved), is to dress down. Don’t make yourself a target for thieves. Wear humble cloths, shoes that are sturdy, but unassuming. Wear cloths that are climate appropriate without being expensive.

After all – this is not about looking good. It’s about finding yourself and having an adventure. Dress the part with cloths that stand out without arousing jealousy.

You’re hitchhiking: you should look like you need the ride.

3) Be poor: gadgets and tech

Do take a mobile phone that works in your area. Don’t take an expensive phone.

Same reason: don’t give people a reason to steal from you. Also, isn’t a trip like this about letting go? Use it as an exercise in living without the luxuries of modern life.

If you ARE bringing electronics: be mentally prepared to loose them. Be ready for the batteries to run low. Don’t assume they’ll always work.

4) Spiritual food

If you’re going to be traveling as a spiritual quest, you need spiritual food on the way of course. If you’re Christian you may want to take your Bible (the lightest you can find). However, there are also other small books out there that will be a great companion on a trip. Personally I would prefer a book that contains aphorisms: short lines to think over and ponder as I wait for that car to pick me up.

NIV Compact Thinline Bible
There are loads of compact bibles available. This is a neutral one, but you can find Girly ones as well. The reason I’m featuring this one is because it’s really small type and travel friendly.
Meditation, Sogyal Rinpoche
This is a little book I gave my brother years ago, and he took it with him on his trip. It’s a chapter out of Sogyal Rinpoche’s famous book on the after death states in Tibetan Buddhism. And as the title says: it’s all about meditation.
The Voice of the Silence: Being Extracts from The Book of the Golden Precepts, by H.P. Blavatsky
Long my personal favorite. Short aphorisms – allegedly from a hidden Tibetan book of wisdom. I don’t know if that’s true. I do know that this book is the spiritual path summarized. Each phrase enough to meditate on for ages.

5) Take time to meditate

In between rides, you’ll be facing your demons: where am I going to sleep? Will someone pick me up?

Try and face up to those issues, without panic. This is what’s in your mind, so let it be.

On the flip side: enjoy the scenery. Be aware of the sunset. Meditate on beauty.

6) Hitchhiking supplies

I already mentioned a mobile phone (with coverage where you’re going).

You will also need the following.

I may have no experience with hitchhiking, I do have lots of experience with hiking and rough weather camping. The following are must have supplies.


Mini-flashlight – Getting caught in the dark? You’ll need to pack a flashlight.

Stormtech Nylon Packable Rain Poncho

Coleman Taos Extreme-Weather Mummy Bag

Whether you’re planning on it or not, you’re not likely to be able to find yourself a hotel every place you go. A waterproof sleeping bag is a must in such circumstances.

And yes, you should go with synthetic. Wet natural fiber is COLD (take it from someone who has experienced it). Synthetic fibers these days can be very comfortable, light and warm. Think fleece for instance.

Internal Frame Hiking Camp Travel Backpack
If you have a functional hiking backpack, go with that. Again: looking a bit dingy is good.However, protecting your back is also important. And remember to use those hip bands once you’re on the road: that’s where the real heavy lifting is supposed to happen: at your hips. Your back will thank you later.Also, make sure to have someone help you set all the bands just right for your posture before hand. Again: your back will thank you.
Stainless Steel Water Bottle
Water is way more important on the road than food (though the importance of food should also not be underestimated). Take a good water bottle that can hang on your backpack.

7) Take what comes

On the road the most important thing is to live with what comes at you. Whether it’s weather, or a talkative driver. Whether it’s silence, or a beautiful sunset.

You’ll be forced to face up to yourself throughout it all.

8) Exercise beforehand

Be sure you’re in good health when starting on this. You may end up soaked by the rain. You may end up having to walk miles to the next inn.

Remember that if your body is fit, you’ll be better able to handle what comes to you. Whether it’s someone taking advantage of a lonely hitchhiker, or a patch of heat and no more water in your bottle.
—-

The image is from a page about hitchhiking and other travel customs in Australia.

* This article was first published on Squidoo in 2010. I thought it would be fun to republish it here as it is no longer available elsewhere online. It has been edited only slightly.

# These hitchhiking safety tips were found on, where they are now no longer available: http://hitchwiki.org/en/Hitchhiker’s_safety

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What happened to Katinka?

Recently a Buddhist friend mailed me, asking why I had written so little recently. He has a point. It is time for an update.

[edited dec. 19th 2014] My online business has taken a turn upwards, so instead of a job, I’m now seeking customers to supplement my online income [/edited]

The uncomfortable fact is that Google has sidetracked my business by changing their ranking policy. In other words: of the two branches of my business (web design and online publishing) the second is tottering on its last steps. It looks I’ll be making enough to make ends meet over Christmas, but after that it will not amount to much. Since I have never been able to live off my web design business, I will have to look for a job.

I am grateful for all I have learned over the years, for the house I was recently able to buy and for the time my business has given me to invest in myself. However, I will have to enter the normal world. I hope to enter the business equivalent to what I have been doing over the past 10 years: web editing.

Does this mean I have quit being interested in religion and spirituality? No, you know me better than that. In fact, I am planning to finish my bachelor’s in religion-studies at Leiden University this academic year. I also hope to start the academic program at Nijmegen University to become a mindfulness trainer in 2015. I have just finished the 8 week MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) course, in preparation for that program to become a mindfulness trainer. In addition I am finishing the online FPMT basics program about the four Buddhist philosophical schools (Tenets or Drubtha).

Back to you. Don’t worry, I will, when I have digested it, undoubtedly transform all that spiritual food into articles on this blog. What I need is time. Time to execute all those plans, to deepen my meditative practice and to translate the best of what I have learned into my own words. I will just have to get used to a world in which I, like most people, have to work 9 to 5 for my bread. These aspects of my life don’t have to hurt each other, I think, but I have no idea how often I will be blogging. You will all just have to wait and see.

In the meantime donations are welcome.

You can help by boosting my LinkedIn profile, especially the ‘skills’ column.

By the way, since Squidoo has quit their business, much of the content I had on there has been moved to Hubpages. Hubpages in their turn has made many of my spiritual articles invisible. I am moving a lot of it to Katinka Hesselink Net. Most prominently, for now, I have moved my lists of theosophical books. See also my list of Krishnamurti Books. While I am going through this process, there will be a lot of broken links on my website. This can’t be helped. I will fix those when the moving process is over. Given all the other things I have on my plate, this may take a while.

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Short term and long term – the environment and spirituality post image

Short term and long term – the environment and spirituality

I was at the interreligious ‘march for climate change’ yesterday. Berthe Jansen represented Buddhism there and she noted that the bodhisattva takes a long-term view to problems and theirs solutions. This was relevant to the topic, because one of the problems with any type of environmental activism is that it has to prioritize the long-term future of humanity, its resources, the climate, food, water quality etc. against the short-term aims of corporations and people.

We wanted our politicians to not just talk, but act on the realization that our planet needs our help, for the survival of human culture as we know it. I’m not worried about the human species – however, I don’t particularly fancy a cave-people type existence for the next generations or my own future lives. Our planet is heating up and only if we work together – and that includes government regulation – can we hope to decrease the damage. It’s already too late for total reversal of climate change.

The simple fact is that we’re burning up fossil fuels – that took millions of years to form, and we’re taking a century to burn them up. This is irresponsible, any way you look at it. However, from the perspective of the climate it means we’re releasing millions of years of CO2 into the atmosphere. Most of that is being absorbed by the ocean, but experts tell us that the ocean can probably take no more. While there, BTW, it makes the oceans more acidic and destroys coral reefs.

These are facts. Although I know some of my American readers will doubt them – I will treat them as proven beyond a shadow of doubt.

As one of the speakers at the Amsterdam Climate March said – the time has come that solutions are available. We can actively start using solar energy. It has become a viable alternative. If not for all our energy requirements, certainly for a lot of it. The German solar cells have markedly lowered energy prices in Europe, for instance.

However, politics are behind the times. I took a picture of prominently positioned Dutch Democrats (D66) at the march and could not see anyone of the Green Party (Groen Links). A guy turned around and told me he was of that party and that the democrats were hypocrites for being there, as they didn’t support the Green party in the Dutch Parliament.

And that is precisely the snag. 10000 people showed the world in Amsterdam that they care about the environment and want politicians to take responsibility. And yet only local politicians took the stage. Sure – this was organised within a month, very last minute. But still. We do need national and EU politicians to make changes in policy. Local just just isn’t enough. That is, in fact, precisely why I was there: I want our politicians to ACT. To DO something.

As I came home, I found an article in Alternet pessimistically blaming Avaaz (which was apparently behind the whole thing) for being way too corporate about it. That is: they wanted maximum human involvement, with minimum political confrontation. The publicity would help Avaaz raise money, which is apparently the main aim of the organisation. They made sure the march did not meet politicians, and was too early (a Sunday morning and two days before the climate conference) for politicians to be physically bothered at all.

That is worrisome. I don’t want violent confrontation anymore than the next peaceful student of the Dalai Lama does. However, the aim of peaceful protest is for a real-world meeting between politicians and the people who want change. It was awesome to realize that there were 10000 people standing on the road between the ferry and the stage. That realness is what our politicians need to feel when confronting a demonstration of this type. Pictures online just don’t cut it.

The problem: our politicians are (a) listening to corporate lobbyists too much and (b) taking the short-term for the long-term. With the result that they’re focusing on ‘saving the economy’ by creating free money that is mostly inflating the stock market, without any perceptual effect on the ‘real economy’. And they’re simultaneously ignoring real problems and real solutions to those problems.

I guess that green party guy was right. However – perhaps our politicians will listen anyhow. After all, there really were a LOT of protesters all over the world. Our message is clear: we want a safe world for ourselves, our children and our grand children.

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Female vs Male Spirituality

As a woman involved in spirituality, every once in a while I’m asked what I think about female spirituality. I have always thought it a weird question and none of the books I have read about the topic have been particularly inspiring to me. Most people talking about the differences between men and women have very outdated views about what women are capable of. They will, for instance, likely be surprised and in awe at my being a licensed math and chemistry teacher.

However recently I have found that I do in fact have strong opinions on the differences between men and women on the spiritual path. Enough strong opinions that this is likely the first of a few articles about spirituality and gender.

So let me start the first of this (projected) series by saying that I think the biological differences between men and women don’t disqualify women from many professions. We are as likely to be smart enough to study math at a high level as men are, for instance. We are as likely as men are to have leadership skills. We are as likely as men to be able to learn to meditate and inspire people. And I would personally rather have a female doctor for female complaints than a male one. On the opposite side of the fence, I know most men can learn to be as skilled at taking care of children as women, though they may go about it differently.

In my opinion the differences between men and women are relevant, but also far less important than other differences between people. As a culture we should take into account that biology and socialization aren’t as easy to distinguish as we think. That said, I do think there are differences between men and women and how they apply to spiritual growth and here are some starting points.

The following is – as any talk of gender must be – highly generalizing. I hope you all realize I don’t think all men are like I describe here. Nor are all women.

Feminist anthropologists have noted that perhaps the greatest risk in spiritual growth for men is arrogance, whereas for women it is a lack of self-confidence. If that is true – and I think it is (whether due to socialization or biology is hardly important) – it makes a HUGE difference on the spiritual path. Where the traditional teacher will warn against pride, women in the audience (usually the majority) will use that to increase their lack of self-confidence, all the while thinking that they are working on humility. In the meantime men in the audience will likely think it doesn’t apply to them.

When the traditional teacher talks about anger and hatred, women will use that teaching to fight the small germs of independence that might otherwise flower into genuine opinion. They may face up to the ways in which their energy does get charged with aggression and suppress that energy more, instead of figuring out how to confidently, patiently and calmly stand up for what they believe in. The men in the meantime may actually use it to learn to listen and be more patient, something most women have trained at all their lives.

Men are generally better at concentration than women. It makes them likely to be highly focused on tasks once they have decided they need doing and more capable of ignoring other things going on in their lives. One man I know finished his PhD while his first child was a baby, for instance. His wife, also working on her PhD, gave it up and went into college level teaching when the children were no longer infants.
Women are generally better at taking in all sides in a situation. They’re likely to see the mess in the sink, the child needing a wash, and take into account the upcoming dinner. At best our wisdom is all-encompassing. At worst we are scattered creatures. Men at their worst will continue working on his project even while the house falls down around him.

Women usually have more social skills than men. We are also, I think, more likely to have a basic capacity for self-reflection. Men with a lack of empathy will often stand out like a sore thumb when you first meet them. Women with that same lack (and yes, they do exist) will generally come across as functioning normally at first and you won’t notice their limitations until a situation comes up where the difference between empathy and social skill is essential.

I hope it is clear that I don’t think the difference between men and women has anything to do with the womb. Nor is it a way of rationalizing socialized gender-expectations. Instead I think the different challenges women and men face on their spiritual path can enrich all of us. Ultimately the aim is the same for all: growing in compassion and wisdom, balance and inner strength.

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How to be a bad girl – or a strong woman

I have always had a tendency to fall for bad boys. I have long suspected that this probably expressed my own suppressed ‘bad girl’ tendencies. However, that didn’t stop me from being a good girl. Drugs, rock and roll, partying – they bored me (and still do) and my sex life is non-existent. This is all fine by me. This morning however, I found myself wishing to be a bad girl. Since this is a much healthier thing than to fall for a bad boy, I thought I’d explore what that means to me.

1) A bad girl puts her own needs first.

This is not news of course. I have written about this before. Only when you have put the safety mask over your own head, can you devote yourself to helping others in a plane going down.

2) A bad girl doesn’t mind what people think of her (or what she thinks they will think of her).

This is an interesting one, because I have NOT had this on my mental agenda at all. And that is despite never having shunned controversy. I think this relates to the feeling many people sometimes have of not being allowed to take up space. So far I have always been outspoken and yet fretted about what people would think. It will be interesting to see whether that will change.

3) A bad girl is strong and lives her life driven by her passion

Interestingly my family made this the main theme of the song they wrote for my 40th birthday recently. (And of course this bad girl doesn’t mind being 40, nor pretends she’s younger.) To a large extent I have already been living this, but my ideal of this is that it becomes so integrated that it becomes a source of energy freely expressed for the well-being of others as well as myself.

4) A bad girl doesn’t worry about foolish people making foolish decisions

I think this one just might make my life a lot easier, if I really succeeded at applying it. I have a tendency to worry too much about things I can’t change and that are really none of my business. It’s one thing to worry about social injustice or the environment: I don’t expect to stop speaking out about such things on twitter and Facebook. However, to worry about all the trivial things that might be done better is really a waste of energy.

5) A bad girl knows how to enjoy herself

I have been getting better at this, but it’s still a challenge.

Of course even if I managed to live by these, none of them would make me a bad girl. And equally obviously, perhaps, I didn’t base this list on the cliché bad-boy or bad-girl. I do think it is perhaps a reflection on my view of what makes a ‘good girl':

A good girl puts everybody’s needs above her own

It’s interesting that this one line can be seen as opposite of all five of my points to being a bad girl. (1) A cliché good girl may take others into account to such an extent that she has no notion of her own needs. And unfortunately that means her own needs come out of her in all kinds of warped ways. (2) A good girl minds what people think so much that her own opinions hardly register (not really my pitfall, but I see it in girlfriends). (3) A good girl takes care of other people and again doesn’t take her own passion into account. (4) A good girl is so good at thinking for others that even silly mistakes people make become her responsibility to fix. (5) A good girl takes care of others to such an extent that she has no idea how to enjoy herself.

Perhaps, right now, to me spirituality is about finding a middle ground between living my own life and taking others into account.

Ultimately, the good-girl-bad-girl dichotomy is silly. Especially when applied to a 40-year-old woman. What the above adds up to is really about what makes a STRONG WOMAN. Especially if she succeeds in being a loving, patient and caring person as well as grounded in her own being.

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1) Make changes slow, one at a time

What I see people do a lot, is have a great intention to change their life so they are super-enthusiastic for a while, and then stop. We all know how unlikely people are to actually keep their new-years resolutions, for instance. The problem is that mere enthusiasm can only get you started. If you want long-term change in your life, you have to start slow, knowing the first spurt of energy won’t last. Instead aim at changing habits. Once you form a new habit, it can carry your practice when the initial enthusiasm is gone. The habit will stabilize your practice, enabling inspiration to come within it.

The problem with following only your enthusiasm is that you will start many things, and give up on them later. The result is not only that you never stick with anything, but also that you lose self-confidence. It is better to do one thing well, than start and stop ten.

2) Do take spiritual holidays / retreats

Spiritual retreats, whether at home or in a center, are a great way to recharge. They can help you realize that the way you normally live is not necessarily the way you have to live. However, to really bring more awareness into your daily life, you will find that you also need a reminder at home. This can be a short morning meditation – for instance simply watching the breath while the coffee (or tea) is getting ready, or it can be taking an hour every Sunday to read a spiritual book.

3) Take all your spiritual reading and listening as practice

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a good intellectual understanding of whatever spiritual tradition you are involved in. However, if you want to use it as a tool to transform your life, you do need to use it as a mirror on your own life, personality and relationships.
When the pastor talks about forgiveness, don’t think about that guy who needs to learn to forgive you. Think instead of grudges you can let go of. And no, that doesn’t mean you have to let people walk all over you.
When you share a beautiful quote on Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest, take a moment to really let it sink in for YOU NOW. Turn away from the screen and take a deep breath, thinking about the quote you just read.

This was written at the request of Gaiam TV

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